I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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