My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
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