Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
