she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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