the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
