Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He did a backflip because drugs
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
