Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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