i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
