Soap is not a condiment
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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