i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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