Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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