Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
