i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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