Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
