So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
