girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
