You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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