i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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