It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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