I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
