Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
