No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
then he tried to convert me to islam
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
