I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
