He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
