Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
