I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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