so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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