its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Randomize
