The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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