Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
