I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize