You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
