omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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