Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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