Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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