Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
