have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
