i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
