three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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