he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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