Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
