LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
