half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
