I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Damn victory sex feels great
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
