please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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