I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
