My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
