I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
