well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
