I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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