Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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