If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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