Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Randomize
