I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
