you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
