Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
